ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Nothing to do, you say?
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I am, perchance
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you