A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
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LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I’d hang this in my house.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked