Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
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I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more