Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
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And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.