Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
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I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food