A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
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He is just living hist best little life 😊
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I’m giving up ice.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*