“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
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My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Butt weight. There’s more!
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
where do you see yourself in five years?
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send