[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
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My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Spa day..😅
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?