One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
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Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
She was REALLY feeling it.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?