Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
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That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Not my job 😂
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”