*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
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Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished