[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
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JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
rapatouille
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.