Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
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Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
this is the best day of my life
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*