Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
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I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
How funny!
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.