If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
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I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond