I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
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See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Banderslack Clamberdorch
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
That 👊