Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
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Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans