When someone trying to leave me
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For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
hmm conte-me mais
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex