My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
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Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.