Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
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Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.