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Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
remember
only for emergencies
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
this is the best interaction on twitter
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]