*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
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I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
The biggest mystery of our time
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.