Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
every. time.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.