If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
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I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
adding to the discourse
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?