Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
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I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..