WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
You Might Also Like
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
…..pretty much.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.