Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
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my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Wait a second…
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited