It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
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Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight