I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
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If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
secret recipe
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I have two kinds of followers
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.