Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
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“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Geez man, take it easy.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
the way this pissed me off… 😭
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.