Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
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So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.