Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
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“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please