“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
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My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
getting old is fun
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Has there ever been a more American story?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.