absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
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I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
me irl
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Meow
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.