I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
You Might Also Like
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Introverted vegans go meetless
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.