If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
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I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
work smarter, not harder
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
“That’s what” – She
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan