so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
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My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Breaking news:
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.