Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
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Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Brands during Pride
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs