Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
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CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I have no passwords left in me
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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