I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
You Might Also Like
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Velcrow
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?