No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
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First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
You can’t outrun your problems…
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.