[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.