My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
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It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I saw nothing
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.