It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
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Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Okey dokey.