people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
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Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Oh the world we live in…
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
WTF IS THAT!
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting