me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
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Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Guilty! 🤪
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
classic mixup
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.