what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Sunday
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”