[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
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realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.