*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
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The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I gave up going to work for lent.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
They must have gotten it to go.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*