I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
When you’re Kinky but poor
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the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Sounds about right! 💯
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My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something